TALKING OF BLADDER CANCER, DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT…
Talking of sac cancer, did I ever tell you about…
…a few eld time when I was the writer/interviewer on a video creation about the male urinary tract?
Anyway … as sac cancer and its somewhat eye-squinting treatment is today backwards on my mind after a welcome break, here’s a story that should alter a smile to the lips of most women and a tear to the eye of most men.
Once upon a time I was scriptwriter and interviewer on a video creation sponsored by a caregiver consort to encourage its creation which was an mirky medium used in a impact titled videocystourethrography. Sounds good? Means it was something injected into you which showed up on an X-ray, so that video cameras could track your wee-wee as it exited your body.
On the day afraid we had a subject who was willing to be shown on the information - an elderly man. For reasons prizewinning known to the wallahs this elderly man required not one, not two but three catheters to be inserted up him; two up his willy and digit up his backwards passage.
By the time we got to the insertion of catheter sort two, our director - a gallant teen man - was on the saucer of unconsciousness. “Suze,” he gasped while fighting to stay aware, “I can’t manage with this. You’ll have to direct it.”
Well, I’m not sure how many grouping in exhibit playing have experienced their directorial debuts by default, but I sure did. With a slightly preoccupied Suze in bidding we effort the environs in digit take and bang, it was “in the can.”
Sadly so was the director, but in an entirely different metaphorical “can” … that of the lavatorial kind. Poor guy. Let’s hope he never needs to have his sac examined …
With a hop, skip, jump, splat
Although I didn’t eager you with every this in my last locate added than to mention it in passing, this portion merry month of May has been digit long, agonized nightmare.
It every began at a band May 4th at which veteran boozer Suze had a few snifters, but null outrageous. She was also wearing newborn position and trousers (slacks) that were about an inch too long.
Cue disaster.
On departing Suze managed to trip and grownup both feet up on a high stone between the Atlantic and the living shack (yes, it was digit of those thin occasions when we in the UK could set exterior in the evening.) Left ankle got hideously sprained, but no pain; that didn’t start until hours later. Each time folks helped me up I would get my weight on the correct foot, but the left foot would just collapse. Right leg had a whack on the lower shin but that didn’t drive a problem.
Eventually got home, slept, incoming morning friend staying took digit look at my left ankle which by today was looking like a large haggis and couldn’t take some weight at all, and pronto drove me to A&E (ER) at the local hospital. Happily and astonishingly null was broken, so I got strapped up and spent the incoming two weeks hobbling around on two sticks.
Now it’s just over three weeks and though still agonized and swollen, the left ankle is sick nicely.
A happy ending? Not on your nelly, as the English say, and let’s not go into what a nelly is correct now. Remember that graze on my lower shin pearl that had scabbed over nicely and didn’t hurt at all? Well, last Friday the rat began to disintegrate and after 24 hours it had disappeared. In its locate was the sort of hole you wager on footpaths (sidewalks) when workmen have been digging discover deeply settled telephone cables. I squirted some sterile medication into the hole but by Sunday it was hurting terribly and I was streaming a fever of 100F.
Cue panic.
Same kind friend happened to be here again so drove me to A&E (ER) erst again and this time we every huddled around my added leg. “Ah yes, a deep gangrenous and seriously infected wound,” said the individual doctor cheerfully.
“Gangrene?” I whinneyed. “Isn’t that serious? Will you have to cut my leg off?”
African doc smiled patiently and said no, not this time but had I left it some longer, well, who knows.
“But what about that pleasant rat that healed up so well? And there was no pain?”
African doc tried hard to smile. “You see, on most of the rest of your embody there is quite a lot of tissue between the harm and the bones,” he said, clutching my plump calfskin to illustrate his point. “The difficulty is between the harm and the pearl on your shin, there is diddly squat. Zip. Nada. So if you look down your hole, you will wager your tibia. There, look - that white thing at the bottom.”
“Tibia? That’s the bone?”
“Yup. And that pleasant elegant rat was hiding the trouble underneath. This harm has been infected for three weeks.”
Well, if you’ve been datum this journal for a while you’ll know I’m not squeamish - chemotherapy, surgery, BCG treatments, you study it, I’ve coped and made jokes about it all.
Suddenly though, this time I was lost for a few funny words…
Anyway the hole is today approaching up thanks to daily dressing by kind nursies at our local medical edifice and the infection is ebbing absent thanks to some foul, very strong antibiotics which make me offensive and give me the Nahuatl two-step, but let’s not go there.
This every reminds me of the story of the man who was due in the hospital to have his correct leg amputated. He awoke from the drug to find the surgeon standing beside his bottom and the surgeon said, “Mr Jones, I have some good programme and some intense news.”
“Give me the intense programme first.”
“Well, sadly we amputed your left leg by mistake. But the good programme is your correct leg is sick spontaneously!
Until incoming time …. Sz
What the First Doctor Said - Feb 15 - Mar 4, 2008
Doctors take notes: but get them right, OK?
Here’s the latest collection of doctors’ notes on hospital patients and - speaking as a professed illustrator - it rattling does make my mind surprise to wager how inaccurate some of those notes crapper be. For example:
1. The harm was moist and dry.
2. Rectal exam revealed a connatural filler thyroid. (Long fingers?)
3. The enduring had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
4. She stated that she had been bound for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
5. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
6. The enduring was in his usual state of good health until his plane ran discover of gas and crashed.
7. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
8. The child was delivered, the cloth clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who unhearable and cried immediately.
9. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is disturbance sized.
10. I saw your enduring today, who is still under our automobile for fleshly therapy.
11. The enduring lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day tending three times a week.
12. Bleeding started in the rectal Atlantic and continuing every the way to Los Angeles.
13. Both breasts are equal and excited to light and accommodation. (Excuse me, what are you doing with that enclosure light?)
14. She is desensitize from her toes down.
15. Exam of genitalia was completely perverse except for the correct foot. (Anatomy analyse time!)
16. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and dispatched home.
17. The enduring was to have a viscus resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (An empowered patient.)
18. The enduring suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
20. Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bottom with his family in no distress.
21. Patient was signal and unresponsive.
22. When she fainted, her eyes pronounceable around the room.
23. We will follow her eyes and look with a foley catheter.
24. By the time he was admitted, his fast heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
25. Patient has dresser discompose if she lies on her left lateral for over a year.
26. On the ordinal day the knee was meliorate and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
27. The enduring has been depressed ever since she began sight me in 1983.
28. The enduring is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
29. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
30. Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally signal but forgetful.
31. The enduring refused an autopsy.
32. The enduring expired on the floor uneventfully.
33. Patient has left his white murder cells at added hospital.
34. The patient’s time medical history has been unco insignificant, with exclusive a forty-pound weight gain in the time three days.
35. She slipped on the ice and ostensibly her legs went in removed directions in early December.
36. The enduring had a eruption over his truck.
37. Dictation blunder: lasar radiolocation salutation (as anti to vagovagal response).
Sheesh. And these are the grouping to whom we entrust our health, and our lives?
(With grateful thanks to my friend Kazzy in Folkestone, England, who supplied that information.)
SUZE
Tags: boob cancer, mentality cancer, cancer drugs, drugs for cancer, living with cancer